Be warned, some of these are nasty :shock:

Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss. Can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.

The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a shit instead."

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"

Little Johnny: "I is..."

Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"

Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" the child asks. "That, son, is the elephant's penis." replied his father. "Mummy said it was nothing," the child then said. "Your mother's spoilt, Son."

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There were women waiting in a doctor's office.

They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl."

One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top."

The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!"

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Man walks into the bar with a very tall blonde and a cat. They proceed to buy several rounds of drinks. But the cat refuses to buy.

Next night, same again. Man buys a round, the tall blonde buys a round, but the cat ain't interested.

After several nights of this, barman gets curious. "What's the story?" he asks the man.

"Well" he replies, "I was rummaging up in my attic & found a lamp. I rubbed it, & out pops this genie"."I will grant you one wish for rescuing me," says the genie.

"Amazing" replies the barman. "What did you wish for?"

Replies the man:"A LONG-LEGGED BLONDE WITH A TIGHT PUSSY"

R Taylor...on all week at the Aberdeen Paladium :wink:

She won't give this to you as a gift, go out and buy one yourself!









Good idea to get the 5 year extended warranty as well.
The 'Mute' button will wear out!




:wink:

Guy goes to a halloween party wearing only his pants.

Women asks him: "What are you supposed to be?"

He replies: "I'm premature ejaculation."

Women: "How did you manage that?"

Guy: "I just came in my pants."



Gaz

just saw this posted elsewhere, and thought i'd share it:

A man walked into a New York bar and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

"Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.

The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"

"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch
office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close
to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls
the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts
screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche
is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never
be the same again!"
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs Lee the
Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in horror ."F***ING HELL !" he
screams........ "Where's my Rolex??..."

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6 - foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and ! says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

Here's some letters to newspapers that didnae get printed. . .

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, Which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge, He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '*unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric, Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's footbal match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J.

A Scottish Fruit Cake Recipe...

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon malt whisky


Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure it is of the utmost quality.
Pour one level cup and drink neat. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or samethin'.
Who cares? Check the whisky again.

Now, sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or samethin'. Whatever ye can fin.
Grease the ooven. Turn the caike tin tae 350 degreesh.
Dinnae forget tae beat aff the turner. Throo the bowl oot of the windee.
Chick ra whisky again.
try tae crail tae bed.
Whoo ra fekk likes fritkick anyhoo an a'.....

A cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a
Male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said she was the
pharmacist and she and her sister owned the store.....there were no
males employed there. She then asked if she could help the
gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him she was completely
professional and whatever it was he needed to discuss, he could
be confident she would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism. The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses."

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

The Scottish coach driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scots PULVERIZED the English."
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scots MASSACRED the English.
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scots WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"?
The bus driver responds, "No while I'm driving the coach".

Q. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?


A. 21! One to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

I'm still pishin' masel over the Jeremy Clarkson one.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What
Majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
Animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a
Rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7
Foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as
He could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw
That the bear was closing in on him. His heart was
Pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to
Pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to
Take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."


Time stopped.


The bear froze.


The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and
A voice came out of the sky saying:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
Others I don't exist and even credit creation to a
Cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
This predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light.

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to
Treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you
Make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and
The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and
Spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and
For which I am truly thankful, Amen.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done
when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

An american girl, a french girl and an african girl are travelling on a plane. The plane is about to crash. The american girl puts on her make-up.

Everyone was curious, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first". she says
The french girl opens her bra, "Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts"
The african girl laughs and removes her panties. "First thing they'll be searching for is the black box!"

There was this Asian lady married to an American man and they lived in
Honolulu.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English language, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of lamb. She
didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up
her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with the leg of lamb..
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.
Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the
store...
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