QUOTE
Below is a briefing given to all the English commentators at the World Cup, giving instructions on how to commentate on a match..................
Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (Germany vs Costa Rica), the commentator must mention England.
Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be mentioned within the first minute.
Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.
Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately 20 times.
1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4 or 5occasions for matches not involving England.
Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.
When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing ability.
Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters,The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And of course 1966.
All Scottish members of the commentary team must continue to refer to England as "we" and "us".
We must ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course, the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers and the French are only good because their best players play in England.
For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in England. (e.g. Sweden v France should be referred to as Ljunberg v Henry).
The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.
Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England Expects."
Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.
If in doubt, mention 1966/England again.
Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Germany, but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966.
Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.
Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and BobbyCharlton should be mentioned.
When England bow out, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.
